takes a bit of life out of me.
I came back,
but never as the same person.
are a burial ground for my grief.
Sleep evades me.
I am the hunted,
all these years later.
I survived war,
but the mirror
erased my reflection..
There are no medals on my chest,
of the bullet he left behind.
There is no beginning or end when it comes to matters of the heart. Everything ties together, as the roots are just as much a part of a tree as its branches.
I lost myself for awhile in love. It’s easy to forget who you are when you’re constantly trying to mold yourself into a different shape.
But healing is never easy. You can’t break off a branch and expect it to be the same when it grows back.
Some days I feel more whole than broken, while other days I feel more broken than whole. Life is never predictable, even when I try to control it – no one can walk forward with their feet tied to a chain.
The wind has a way of creating ripples in my life – patterns of waves that either tether or teach me how to ride out the storm. Sometimes I swim, and sometimes I drown, but I always survive.
I walk in and out of the shadows. There one minute, and gone the next. Flitting backwards and forwards in endless loops of flashbacks. All the while, trying to find a way back home.
There are some memories I’ve buried so deep, I don’t even know where to find them. But when you’re with someone for three years, everything inevitably melts together. Days become months. Months become years. And before you know it, a whole lifetime has passed.
I never really knew where he ended and I began. I lived with his melancholy for so long, I mistook it for my own. The word “choice” wasn’t a part of our relationship. For two years, I listened to him berate me every week, and said nothing.
So, I built a wall with his words – steeped in a denial so thick, I couldn’t even see past it. But how else can you live with a lover who threatens to kill you? I couldn’t find a way out, so I found a way to survive.
Some people long to remember, but I long to forget. All I do is remember. I keep tracing the lines on this map over and over and over again, looking for answers.
Finding peace in the midst of chaos is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It’s there, you just have to dig to find it.
I remember love the way some people remember storms. Darkness followed by light. Flashes of intuition that come and go like the wind, almost impossible to grasp. Always a low thunder simmering through the clouds – and then, nothing.
My romantic relationships seem to be as fickle as nature – hot and heavy one day, cold and distant the next. The men usually float in and out of my life like ghosts, so even after they leave, I go looking for closure by trying to untangle the roots that got me here in the first place.
These things weigh on me when I take a gamble and swipe through random pictures of strangers on the internet. I usually feel more frustrated than invigorated when I go on sites like Tinder and OkCupid – more hopeless, than hopeful.
You see, every man I’ve met online has never been entirely what they say they are. But, then again, I guess you could say the same thing for every man I’ve dated that I’ve met in person. It’s strange how the patterns of everyday human life get calculated into the algorithms on the web, acting as if they’ve been there all along. And at the end of each day, whether we realize it or not, we always have a choice. We either lose ourselves, or find a way to navigate the tides.