I walk in and out of the shadows. There one minute, and gone the next. Flitting backwards and forwards in endless loops of flashbacks. All the while, trying to find a way back home.
There are some memories I’ve buried so deep, I don’t even know where to find them. But when you’re with someone for three years, everything inevitably melts together. Days become months. Months become years. And before you know it, a whole lifetime has passed.
I never really knew where he ended and I began. I lived with his melancholy for so long, I mistook it for my own. The word “choice” wasn’t a part of our relationship. For two years, I listened to him berate me every week, and said nothing.
So, I built a wall with his words – steeped in a denial so thick, I couldn’t even see past it. But how else can you live with a lover who threatens to kill you? I couldn’t find a way out, so I found a way to survive.
Some people long to remember, but I long to forget. All I do is remember. I keep tracing the lines on this map over and over and over again, looking for answers.
Finding peace in the midst of chaos is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It’s there, you just have to dig to find it.